I find that since I am the wielder of #whoretips, I regularly get asked for my advice on situations of the dating/sexual relationship nature. Since I give these little nuggets of what I believe are wisdom, I thought I would start posting them here. I hope they are helpful or simply entertaining.
Also, if you have a question, please feel free to ask me here or email me email@example.com. I would love to help you with your question if I can.
So… Here is the question:
“I am in a long term relationship that ended. I feel like I am a failure. Am I?”
Although this question is not as quirky or naughty as most of the ones I get I thought it is a great question.
The simple answer is: No! You are not a failure.
As you know however, it is not that simple… Ever.
The failure of a relationship can be caused by one or both parties. Some examples of this are:
Did you get cheated on?
Did you cheat on your partner?
Did you grow apart?
Did one of you change your mind about what kind of relationship you wanted?
I could list 100 questions on this point. However, I think that all to often people enter a relationship and then BAM! they are in a relationship. This is not like getting into a car and you are in it and nothing is going to change.
People change, the world changes. If you don’t pay attention, your partner may change right in front of you and you won’t see it. You could change and they don’t see it. The failure in most relationships is forgetting that it is something that is constantly growing and changing. You have to pay attention to it or it will decompose. What an analogy? Good cause I love to give them.
If you have a garden, when you first plant it, it looks amazing, shiny, clean and new. If you don’t keep it watered, fed, replenished, replanted, tended then it will become overrun and you will not recognize it anymore for the beauty it was or it may just wilt and die.
People can get stuck in time and places. You have to constantly make changes to have your relationship work. You have to be invested in it’s growth. Go out, do things with each other, remind each other why the other person is so important to you constantly. Otherwise, one day you might look over and the person you fell in love with so long ago may be gone.
However, there is a chance by actions, usually hurt or betrayal that you or your partner will break the relationship apart. Then yes, if this was done by you to them, then you did fail the relationship and vice versa. It is also important to note, that if you don’t address the break and sit in the mire of it waiting for the other person to ‘do something’ then you are failing the relationship as well.
So remember, care for it, grow it, play constantly with each other breathing life into it and if it does end, know that sometimes that is part of growing and it isn’t always a bad thing.